I:0:T Let's look for a few minutes at the conventional wisdom around children's tantrums. Have you ever been subject to or witnessed a tantrum in progress when a parent (maybe even yourself) was actually observing the traditional ignore-the-tantrum rule? Somewhere in a public store, an infant or child was in a screaming rage. The parent reacted by (1) not paying any attention to the tantrum and the child, (2) keeping calm and cool, (3) staying nonchalant and unruffled, and (4) as fast as possible (while trying to look unhurried) getting out through the checkout and outside of the store. This outcome was much to everyone's relief, other than the child's-whose frustration and anger to that point had escalated to the extreme.
Let's examine this paradigm more closely. (I swear-that word is the only super-annoying scholarly one I will use here.) Responding to tantrums primarily through ignoring them is part of a very old parenting model or set of concepts, assumptions, values, and practices that constitutes a wrongheaded or misguided way of viewing tantrum reality.
All along, the parenting experts have been telling parents they should ignore tantrums just because (according to them) ignoring tantrums is the best way to deal with tantrum behavior in children. Experts, however, mostly admit that ignoring tantrums will not change or eliminate them-because, after all, they say, tantrum behavior in children is natural, normal, and inevitable.
Tantrum Probability: Tantrum behavior + responding by ignoring = tantrum behavior.
This circular theory really begs a few questions. What measurement is there for parents to use so they can understand if they're ignoring the tantrums thoroughly enough or well enough? Just kidding. Nobody asks that question. But they should. How can parents know if ignoring tantrums is even a good and valid technique like the experts say it is? There is absolutely no change or success to measure and no tool to use to evaluate this technique's effectiveness. This technique, in fact, doesn't claim to be effective in the creation of a change. Using this technique isn't supposed to solve anything. When the tantrum behavior, as it undoubtedly will, stays the same or perhaps gets worse, the tantrum parents are supposed to keep on ignoring the tantrums simply because the experts say so.
And that's exactly what I did at the beginning, novice parent that I was. I repeatedly ignored my first four children's tantrums until each of them outgrew the behavior, at about the age of two. I also responded to the tantrums of my fifth baby by ignoring them, until I found out that this technique was largely contributing to and provoking all of his tantrum behavior. I came to understand that the technique of ignoring tantrum and pre-tantrum anger is a big part of the cause of tantrums. And I learned clearly that as long as tantrums will be ignored they will continue to occur.
Let's examine this paradigm more closely. (I swear-that word is the only super-annoying scholarly one I will use here.) Responding to tantrums primarily through ignoring them is part of a very old parenting model or set of concepts, assumptions, values, and practices that constitutes a wrongheaded or misguided way of viewing tantrum reality.
All along, the parenting experts have been telling parents they should ignore tantrums just because (according to them) ignoring tantrums is the best way to deal with tantrum behavior in children. Experts, however, mostly admit that ignoring tantrums will not change or eliminate them-because, after all, they say, tantrum behavior in children is natural, normal, and inevitable.
Tantrum Probability: Tantrum behavior + responding by ignoring = tantrum behavior.
This circular theory really begs a few questions. What measurement is there for parents to use so they can understand if they're ignoring the tantrums thoroughly enough or well enough? Just kidding. Nobody asks that question. But they should. How can parents know if ignoring tantrums is even a good and valid technique like the experts say it is? There is absolutely no change or success to measure and no tool to use to evaluate this technique's effectiveness. This technique, in fact, doesn't claim to be effective in the creation of a change. Using this technique isn't supposed to solve anything. When the tantrum behavior, as it undoubtedly will, stays the same or perhaps gets worse, the tantrum parents are supposed to keep on ignoring the tantrums simply because the experts say so.
And that's exactly what I did at the beginning, novice parent that I was. I repeatedly ignored my first four children's tantrums until each of them outgrew the behavior, at about the age of two. I also responded to the tantrums of my fifth baby by ignoring them, until I found out that this technique was largely contributing to and provoking all of his tantrum behavior. I came to understand that the technique of ignoring tantrum and pre-tantrum anger is a big part of the cause of tantrums. And I learned clearly that as long as tantrums will be ignored they will continue to occur.
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